The Totally True and Unedited Story of a Restless Child’s Wanderings by hil hoover

Gather around, children, it’s story time. No, Jody, you can’t have your brother’s doll. Where’s yours? Well, go get her so she can listen to the story too. No, Ian, you can’t have more snacks. No, they did not get up and walk away, I saw you eating them. You still have juice on your teeth. No, Jack, it’s not time for- 

LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE BRATS! Ahem. I’m going to tell you about the Halloween night I got lost in the woods and discovered monsters. Are we ready? Is everyone settled now? Good. I was no bigger than you tiny tots when I decided to go a’wandering. Like you, I was restless, tired of the same old toys, the same old rooms, the same old rules. But unlike you, I was a fool. None of you are fools, are you? No, you’re granny’s brilliant little babes, all of you. But I let my restlessness overcome my common sense, and I put on my favorite costume and went out into the wide world, confident that I would find something better than the small life I was living. At first, it was an adventure. I had a toy sword attached to my belt, a fancy coat, and an exquisite captain’s hat. I carried a bag marked booty- Yes, you can giggle, I said it that way on purpose! 

-and I felt like nothing in the world could stop me. I was sure this was going to be my night to prove myself not just grown up, but an explorer, a conqueror of new realms. You’re right, Caleb, conquering IS against the rules. Good job remembering that!

But I wasn’t following rules anymore on this night. In fact, I planned to break as many as I could. First, I traveled on the forest path instead of sticking to the trees, where I could pass unnoticed. I strutted my way right down that pavement, bold as brass! My boots made such heavy noises, unlike anything I had ever heard before. I fell into a rhythm, feet like drums on the hard surface, announcing my grand plans.Then, I made my way to the circle of light at the edge of the trees. Of course, I hesitated for a second then. Anyone would, to suddenly be exposed in such a manner. I had seen the light from afar, of course, but up until that point, I had been too smart to get a close look.

Now, I squinted my eyes and peered out into the harsh brightness, trying to make out the source of it. In fact, I leaned so far forward that I fell straight out of the last bit of my leafy protection, into the stark wilderness of that warm, glowing land. I froze. For a moment. And another. And another. But the light didn’t burn away my skin, destroy my vision, or draw anything to me. Not yet, anyway. My head was starting to feel a bit funny behind my eyes, but it was still less scary than turning back without conquering anything.After a few moments, my eyes seemed to adjust, and I started being able to make out individual points of light among the great blazing mass of it. Tiny lights, and bigger ones, circles of luminescence and glowing beacons. I chose one that seemed manageable and started walking toward it. My feet were still on that strange hard surface, but now my steps were slow and careful, as soft as I could make them. I should have realized then that I had gone too far. Yes, Phillip, I know you can’t help fidgeting. Just stand up and get your wiggles out with your ears open, please. And don’t knock anyone over this time. Now, where was I? Yes, padding off toward a string of lights along a wide, wide road. I heard noise ahead of me, as I walked along, but I couldn’t quite make out what it was. Music, maybe? But there was a strange tuneful sound to it. Almost as if it were organized music. Unnatural. Cold and steady like a dead thing, not the raucous singing of the river gods, or the keening wail of the trees. Yes, Jody, we all know Willow is your favorite. Her voice is quite lovely, I agree. But is your voice supposed to be telling a story right now, or is mine? Anyway, there I was, following the strange sound, my captain’s hat pulled low over my eyes to protect me from the glare. Finally, when I had walked so far that my heavy boots were starting to feel like bad decisions, I came to a door. Like everything else, it was not quite right. It was made of the corpse of a tree, or perhaps even several trees. Just carved right out of dead wood, mercilessly and cruelly. I placed my hand on the surface and recoiled, not wanting to touch the body rudely. Finally, I wrapped my hand in my coat sleeve so that I might push the grotesque thing open without having to put my bare skin against it. Can you put William in your lap, please, Caleb? It’s the only thing that calms him down. Yes, young Willy, I know the story is scary, but I’m here now, aren’t I? So clearly I survived. 

Now. I was feeling too determined to turn back, despite the door, despite the light, despite the noise. I shoved my way through the entrance, so quick as to stumble a bit. And then, I pulled up short. 

The room was huge, and filled with mask-wearing beings. They paraded about, with bird faces, horse heads, or sometimes, dismembered pieces of other animals stuck right on their weird round, pale heads. They all seemed oblivious to my presence, at first, but also many of them seemed oblivious to the presence of each other. They danced in little clusters, to their strange music, coordinated movements terrifyingly stiff. They each held their own shapes as they traipsed around the floor - more corpses, more wood murdered and kept as trophies! - and barely touched at all. Their language was unearthly, choppy and coarse, and seemingly all made with their mouths. Their tiny pink lips worked and worked, pushing the sound out in weird fits and starts, between breaths that seemed like so much effort I wondered how the creatures survived. Imagine, to breathe and speak from the same place! No, Ian, I am not making this up! Grannies are too tired for lies, you know that. What’s that? What did I do? Well, I didn’t do anything for a long moment. I stood tree-still just inside the room, more scared than I had ever been in my life. Would they notice me, with their small hooded eyes? There would be no fighting them off with my toy sword, their flesh was too rigid and grossly opaque for that. And everywhere there was that light, flashing now from the ceiling, sparking from so many places at once. Small fires rested on the tables - corpses!!! - so that there was nowhere to hide at all. What were these creatures, to dance on carved-up bodies and hold elementals captive like that? I wasn’t going to find out if I could help it. The first time one of the creatures met my gaze - and the eyes were all weird, brown with a creepy whiteness around it - I bolted. Ran straight into the door, flung it open with my bare fingers with a shudder, and made for the woods with every bit of energy in my small body. 

I left the path the moment I touched the treeline, desperate to disappear, to be safe in darkness again. I apologized to every tree I passed for having defiled their dead - though really I wasn’t the defiler, just an unwitting accomplice after the fact - and cried a river of tears as I ran. I bolted straight to my mother’s arms, even though I knew it would give me away. My toy sword fell to the wayside somewhere along the way, and my booty bag with it. Next to go was my captain’s hat, snagged on a branch that I was far too polite to break to retrieve it. Later, it could all be dealt with later, when the fear was gone. 

But, children, I haven’t told you the scariest part yet. The next night, when I finally nudged my way out of the nest with one bare toe, peeked around my vines to get a glimpse of the world beyond, there was something waiting for me just outside my home.

The captain’s hat. The bag. The toy sword. Even a button that had been lost from my coat in my scramble for safety. All laid out in that same unnatural order, stiff and rigid like the music, the dancing, the dead house. And right on top, a note scratched onto a sheet of wood pulp, in the foreign hand of the monsters. When I took it to my own Granny - 

Yes, Willy, I had a Granny too, when I was young! 

- she was able to read the inscription, thanks to her own bold journeys into the unknown lands. It said “Please come again to our Halloween party again next year, we’d like to become friends.” No, no, it’s all right. That was many, many years ago, and they didn’t come back to steal me away. But be careful, babes, because you never know when they might come looking. And never, ever walk on paved ground. Because someday, they might make a house out of your corpse, too.