Everscream Times day 28 by Omar Najam

ALT TEXT: Everscream Times

Headline: the goddamn birds are back

Sub header: what has wings, flies, and are big jerks? Yeah, you guessed it The goddamn birds are back. 

These squawking menaces that plague our town from time to time have returned, and returned in droves (not doves, thank god).

“I hate them.” 

Like the rest of us, Jeanine Cartwright, mother of five and remote control engineer, has nothing nice to say about the birds.

“They’re loud. They flap every time they take off. They sit on everything. They peck at the windows. They blew up that gas station that one time. I’m sick and tired of these menaces! They’re useless!”

Ornithologist David Greenberg has studied birds his entire life and has this to say about them.

“As an academic I just want to say that birds are literally the worst thing that has ever happened. They blew up that gas station that one time! Remember? When the lady from San Francisco was visiting? The reason I study them is because it’s good to know your enemy. God doesn’t make mistakes but He made a mistake when he made birds.”

It’s frowned upon for a journalist to express their opinion in an objective news piece but I just want to say: wings or legs, choose one. You don’t get both. Look at snakes, poor snakes, they have neither. And you never hear them complain!

Ugh. Birds.