Everscream Times day 26 by Omar Najam

ALT TEXT: Everscream Times

Headline: town honored guest arrives on decimated boat to raucous applause

Sub header: count yourself lucky give it up for the uncky

He’s known by many names. Vlad. Mr. De Ville. Nosferatu. But here, we know him as Uncky Orlok! And his devoted fans have been lining up at the docks waiting to get even just a glance at the slender hunk.

“I’m so stoked that Uncky Orlok is here,” proclaims Carter Falston, a local cement mason and wedding DJ. “My man’s rocking up, 6ft 11, the tall pale king has returned.”

And he’s not the only one.

“Bro, his slender-ass just rocking up, straight up gracing us with his presence,” delights Michelle Breaker, a break dance instructor and part-time orthopedist. 

“I heard he can turn to bats. That’s sick as hell. Like can you imagine being stuck in traffic and then you just poof into a bunch of bats and you get to your meetings on time? Like if I could hit up Trader Joe’s and then poof I’m a bunch of bats, damn, I’d be living large!”

But not everyone is a fan. Rick Spotner has some terse words. “As a member of the Coast Guard, I’m not particularly excited about the fact that this man arrived on a ship with the entire crew slaughtered, and a coffin filled with rats.” 

“That said... he is Uncky Orlok and man... you just can’t hate the guy!”

editor’s note: we really are lucky to have Uncky Orlok visiting our town. If you need anything, sir, blood, anything, just say the word. We are your humble servants.